After hitting the 5-year mark, I supposed it was when I started accepting a childless life in marriage. The yearning lessened. The ache in my gut was less painful. The tightening of my chest was released.
I felt that 5 years was too long for me to try changing something I cannot control. Although I have not really truly understood the meaning of redha (acceptance in Islamic context), I felt ready to let it go.
My Number Wan Support
My number Wan support for accepting a childless life in marriage is of course no other than the man I married. As I was diagnosed with infertility before I met Wan, it was one of the first things I shared with him when we became a couple.
I don’t think we both knew how grave infertility was for us during our early dating years. But even after the wedding, going through a failed IUI and eventually not wanting to go through IVF, Wan has always been supportive and respectful of me.
“Whatever decision you make, I stand by you because it’s your body that has to go through the whole process, not me. I have no authority upon your body.”
That plays a huge part in my journey of acceptance. For Wan to allow me make decisions without persuading me into anything I didn’t want, was empowering as a wife. The respect he has for me is commendable.
Shift in My Faith
My journey through accepting a childless life in marriage took a shift when I decided to put on the hijab. I took steps to strengthen my faith. It was on our 6th wedding anniversary that I surprised Wan by getting ready with having a hijab on.
With Wan, nothing I ever did, felt lonely. Since the early years of our relationship, we have been a team – working together and complementing each other. When we started to upgrade our knowledge in our religion, it made our marriage stronger.
No marriage is safe from harm. But how you work together to remove the harm is how you stay married. There will always be trials. There is no perfect marriage.
As we grow together with our religion to guide us, I saw how much easier it was to accept our married life without children.
Seeing the Goodness of Being Childless
It’s not easy to see the goodness of being childless while you are surrounded by friends and families with children. It is harder especially when you’re in the early years of marriage. That yearning, wanting and hoping.
I only started seeing the goodness of being childless after being married for 10 years. That’s too long of a time. I had no one to talk to who was going through a similar experience. The earlier generation were never easy to open up their feelings.
One of the best things is to be able to have time on our side; granted that we do work for ourselves, too. We did not have to divide our time for another person. It was just us two mostly. When either of our parents needed us then, we could still be away without having to think for a small child.
Freedom of Time
The freedom we have on our hands began to be the envy of friends with young children. There was no need to arrange for after school pick up or care. We can just pack up a bag and be on our way to the neighboring country’s city within the next hour.
We began to value our freedom as a childless married couple. The life of no fuss and quick deciding plans. Life without children does not need to be bleak.
It is how you shape your perception of what your life is supposed to be. I decided that life can be beautiful with just Wan and I.
There were times I wished I had learned to accept this childless life earlier. But where would the lessons come from for me to learn?
Accepting a Childless Life in Marriage
However, I do not wish for anyone to have to go through this much time accepting a childless life in marriage. Learning how to accept and live for the present moment took me a long time. I hope if you are going through some tough time as a childless married couple, to look at the blessing of what you have instead of yearning for what you do not have (yet).
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