In conjunction with World Mental Health Day on the 10th October, I feel there is still a need in redefining mental wellness and depression.
4 years ago when I first shared with friends about my depression, many expressed shock.
“You don’t look like someone who has depression. You are always bubbly!”
When did it begin?
I was 17 when I thought I may be going crazy. It was 1998 and I had been diagnosed with prolactinoma. I felt heavy knowing there was a tumor in my head. But being a teenager, I didn’t know how to process that information.
When the news of my favorite actor passed in 2014, I was hit hard. A funny man and known comedian, the late Robin Williams made a huge impact in my late teenage life. I saw Dead Poets Society for the first time in 1998. It was a movie I watched repeatedly throughout my 3 years of tertiary education.
It was by reading his passing news that I realized he was battling depression. This was a point when redefining mental wellness and depression started for me.
“But he was a funny man who made people laugh,” I thought.
Then it hit me. My close friends think I’m funny too. I like to make people laugh with my silly antics. And when I’m sad, I’d rather mask my sadness and make others laugh so they won’t know my pain.
I brushed it aside. “Nah, I’m not depressed. I’m just sad.”
The build-up
Ever since I married Wan, I moved into his home and lived with his late mother for 13 years. In the last 6 years of her life, she was diagnosed with dementia. Her deterioration was obvious yearly whenever she caught urinary tract infection (UTI).
The first time the doctor caught her dementia was because of UTI. Mom-in-law (MIL) had to use a urine catheter which made UTI a common side effect for her. But each time she had UTI, she would have a high fever which lasted a week. Every time she recovered, we lost a bit of her.
Although we had a live-in helper during those times, Wan and I were her primary caregivers. She had to frequent the clinic and hospital for her urine catheter change and geriatric appointment.
Those last 6 years of her life made me grow fond of her. She became a totally different person than whom I knew for the first 6 years of my marriage. I spent more time by her side.
When did sadness turn into depression?
When she passed, I was more affected than Wan. I couldn’t stop crying. Wan told me he was surprised I was very affected. I was surprised, too! I didn’t think I would be grieving so hard.
I could not function well. I would be crying everywhere. I felt like my heart was ripped and there was a hole in my chest. Each time I cried, it was not just tears flowing down my face. I was bawling.
I tried to distract myself with work. I stayed out from home for hours because every corner made me think of her.
But it got too overwhelming for me. 5 months after her passing – on the World Mental Health Day in 2020, I finally sought professional help.
“Don’t I make you happy?” Wan asked.
That was the first question he asked when I told him I want to see the doctor for my mental wellness.
Getting the help
Redefining mental wellness and depression is to learn that it is not about being happy and/or making someone feel happy. It is the state of the person’s mind that is unwell. It is all within the person’s mental capacity.
The doctor diagnosed me with major depression. He wanted to prescribe oral medication but I requested for a therapy session instead.
I’m glad Wan came along with me to the clinic. The doctor explained to him what he can do to support me during my depressive episode, and what I need and do during those times has nothing to do with him.
There are times when I need to be alone in the darkness and cry my lungs out, Wan would leave me be. He has always been the best support I can ever ask for.
Therapy works for me
Therapy has been the best thing to happen for me. I am glad I am assigned to my therapist. She taught me tools I can use to better manage my mental unwellness. Sessions with her always had actionable takeaways.
I learnt that the many things I blame myself for are not my fault to begin with. There are things which are never in my control which make me upset because I cannot change them.
I learnt how to manage my panic attacks or even prevent them from turning into a full-blown attack. Wan also learnt to help me manage my anxiety better.
Now I know I need to and consciously put my mental wellness first.
Redefining Mental Wellness and Depression
Over the last 4 years, there has been more awareness in redefining mental wellness and depression. More people talk about it and share their experiences.
Last year, Norwich City Football Club produced a video on World Mental Health Day. It was so poignant.
With mental wellness and depression, it is not visibly obvious. It won’t show up as a clear sign in a person like a physical unwellness would. Most of the time, in my personal experience and opinion, people who care for others are the ones who suffer from depression and do not know it.
More than just burnout
Caregivers who always seem to have it together, a people-person who is always there for someone, or even someone who seems to easily make others laugh without effort. These are the groups of people I have come across with who are usually on the burnout because they forgot to give time to themselves.
When these people finally ask for help, it usually is their last straw at trying to salvage their mental health wellness. Depression is more than just a burnout.
Years ago (pre-Covid, while Wan and I were frequently visiting the clinic and hospital for late MIL’s appointments) we were asked to complete surveys and staff would be asking us questions to understand our mental health as caregivers.
Please get help
Recently, we see how some questions asked during those years are now being put to place. The Ministry of Health in Singapore has gotten a lot of resources ready for caregivers. Agency for Integrated Care (AIC) is one where we benefited from, for late MIL. AIC also emphasized on self-care for caregivers.
If you are reading this and you are not in Singapore, I am not very well-versed with the available resources in your respective country for mental health.
How do you know if you are mentally unwell?
If you have an iPhone, you can easily take the questionnaire to assess yourself. In the Health app, go to Browse and then Mental Wellbeing. Towards the bottom of the Mental Wellbeing page, there is a section Get More From Health. The Mental Health Questionnaire is there for you to take.
But of course, if you are already feeling mentally unwell, I urge you to visit your local doctor to get your mental wellness checked.
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