During my early married years, I never thought of searching for blogs on infertility. Heck, not many people would even want to talk about infertility openly in the early 2000s.
Wan & I got married in 2007. We met 6 years earlier. Before I met him, I was already diagnosed with infertility. My condition – prolactinoma – was discovered when I was 17, after a year of my menstruation absence.
As a married couple, we often attended religious classes by the late Ustaz Syed Esa Alkaff. He was the first person to ever comfort us as a married couple without children.
“Being without children is a blessing, too.”
Of course it would take me a whole decade to finally be at peace with my fate.
The First Five Years of Marriage
The first 5 years of marriage, I started to spiral into depression without knowing. I was canceling plans at the very last minute with friends who either were pregnant or already having babies. I shut myself off from the world.
Although I was already diagnosed as an infertile, what’s wrong with hoping and trying, right?
Clinically, I failed IUI at the early stages. Yet, I do not want to put my body through IVF. I have seen friends who failed and I know I am not as strong as those amazing women.
Now that I reflect on those years, it would have been helpful if there were blogs on infertility then – experiences shared of the failures and success IVF stories.
A Decade Later
It was our 10th year of being married when we were in Hong Kong. I was there for Rise (2017). The opportunity to attend Rise came on a Thursday and we had to fly in from Singapore to Hong Kong by Sunday.
For those 3 days, we had breakfast together and we went our separate ways for the day. I would make my way to the conference venue while Wan explored Hong Kong. We would meet again for dinner.
It was either the second or last night of the conference when we were seated in a restaurant, waiting for our food that a sight caught my attention.
A pair of young parents with a toddler and an infant were seated 2 tables away from us. While they fussed about their toddler, they were trying to have a decent meal at the same time.
Being Without Children is a Blessing, Too
It hit me then. How privileged of Wan & I to be able to make flight and accommodation arrangements within 3 days before arriving in Hong Kong.
If we already had children, Wan would be left alone to mind the kids the whole day while I was at the conference. Or we had needed to make arrangements to have someone looking after them back home. Or even only to have me fly alone to Hong Kong.
The words of our beloved late teacher came ringing in my head.
“Being without children is a blessing, too.”
10 years into our marriage, in a foreign land, while waiting for dinner – I accepted the blessing of being without children.
If I had started to curate blogs on infertility back then, I’d imagine a plethora of shared information and experiences for other women going through the same.
Childless Not By Choice
I had been identifying myself as “childless not by choice”. And it was around this year too that Wan & I were invited to be on a panel to share our experience as a childless married couple. It was after the talk, this amazing lady approached me and asked the most harrowing question.
“After 10 years, do you still cry?”
The first five years of our marriage, I went through the grief stages of denial and bargaining. There were a lot of tears, anger and false expectations.
Yes, I know I was diagnosed as infertile at 17. But I never understood how grave that was as a teenager.
In the next 5 years of our marriage, I suppose I got numbed out. This was when the grief stage of depression became real. But yes, the crying stopped.
The crying stopped at that 10th year mark when I finally accepted the fact that I am indeed infertile.
Childfree By Fate
The amazing lady, Ustazah Farah, who asked me the question became a very dear friend of mine. We recorded a 10-episode podcast on Infertility With Me.
It was also when I realized how blessed I am to be Childfree By Fate.
So even when I had accepted my fate after 10 years of being married, it took me another 5 years or so to finally feel at ease with accepting the blessing of being childfree by fate.
Blessing Accepted
I was inspired to write this blog by a dear friend who had just shared her bountiful news of being pregnant. She had been so careful not to hurt me as the topic is indeed sensitive. She checked in with me and how I was feeling.
Somehow, I knew in my gut what was the “sensitive” matter she wanted to talk to me about. If only you could hear how joyful my congratulation for her was. I literally teared because I was so happy for her.
I know how sensitive it can be to share the news of a pregnancy. The uncertainty and worry you may hurt an infertile’s feelings.
But I am past that. I am done with making myself hurt from something I cannot control.
It is not your fault that you can get pregnant and I cannot. I can only be truly happy you are granted the blessing of having a child. And that my blessing is to be without one.
I hope that this is one of the many blogs on infertility that can help someone who is going through it, to not feel alone. May the time taken to be at ease with the fate of being without child be much shorter than I had taken to accept this blessing.
Which, then, of your Lord’s blessings do you both deny?
55:13 Ar Rahman / The Lord of Mercy
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