My Journey of Healing and Growth Through Therapy
In the last 5 years, I went through a journey of healing and growth through therapy. The first time I checked in with the local polyclinic was in October 2020. I had just turned 39.
How It All Started
In May 2020, I lost my mother-in-law (MIL). I had been living with her since after my wedding. My husband, Wan, is the youngest child. Thus, there were only the 3 of us in the house in the first 6 years of our marriage.
Somewhere in between 2013-2014, my MIL had a severe Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) which had her hospitalized. Little did we know then, it was the beginning of her being hit by UTI yearly. Each time, she would be hit with high fever along with the UTI. She would also be delirious – talking about things we don’t understand, or even in her native language, Boyanese.
Her symptoms would last for a whole week. Every time she recovers from UTI, we unfortunately will lose a little bit of her. As that was also when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
The Caregiving Years
While Wan & I were her primary caregivers, Wan’s siblings collectively paid for a live-in helper to help with MIL’s daily needs. Atun was indeed God-sent. She was MIL’s helper for the last 6 years of MIL’s life.
When MIL passed in May 2020, I was hit bad. I was surprised I was badly hit. I mean, she’s my MIL. We didn’t have a loving relationship while she was well and healthy. I’d like to think we tolerated each other as we were living under the same roof.
I supposed being one of her primary caregivers, seeing her deteriorate did have an effect on my empathetic self. I said this before; I don’t love her, but I grew fond of her. She became a totally different person after we realised she had Alzheimer’s.
Grief, Depression, and Seeking Help
What I thought was just grief, saw me spiral into depression, I had a nagging feeling to check myself in with a professional. That was when I was diagnosed with severe depression in October 2020. The doctor referred me to be seen by a psychologist.
There was so much unpacking done in the last 5 years. I didn’t realise how much my childhood trauma was steering my life. The decisions made, the choices chosen, the options I thought I had, and the opportunities I didn’t see possible. All of those were heavily caused by my childhood trauma.
In those 5 years of seeing her, she had tried to discharge me twice. Each time, I spiralled harder than before.
One of those times, I remember the advice given to me was to try removing one stressor at a time.
Removing myself from all of my stressors has been very helpful. I also realised how privileged I am, working in my own business, I am able to remove my stressors quite easily as a digital nomad.
The Turning Point
This time, I was ready to be discharged. I was ready to turn 44 and be in better control of my mental wellness.
“Why is it different this time?”, she asked.
I used to need to go to my safe place – by the waters, seeing greenery and be at peace with the breeze. But now, I am living in my safe place.
I see the waters, greenery and the vast sky whenever I look out of my window.
In the past year, there was no one day I wasn’t filled with gratitude. Being here helped me heal so much. I told my therapist that this place is healing me.
Healing Needs Help
While healing is not linear, and never is the same for everyone, I do hope you realise that healing starts within. But oftentimes, we are not able to begin the journey without help. We are afterall only humans who are weak.
It is okay to ask for help.
Now that I am 44, I look back at how much I went through in not just the past 5 years, but throughout my life. As I enjoy the present day, I can only be filled with gratitude and being thankful for all of life’s lessons that were in my path.
The only way is through.
