Putting Mental Wellness First

After my last depression relapse, I have been putting mental wellness first. 

Last September, while I was celebrating my 42nd birthday, I was unknowingly spiraling down the depression stairs. It was the darkest point in my life. 

But you know how they say, what goes down must come up. It was also the point of a beautiful turn of events. Being self-employed for more than 15 years, I always believe in keeping it on. 

Each time I feel like giving up, I always psyched myself up with: 

Success is around the corner. If you stop now, you’ll never find that corner. 

The Lowest Point

I finally crumbled one day in November 2023. I had a migraine and felt like my head was going to burst. At the same time, the anxiety of not being able to look at any WordPress backend was choking me up. 

As my head was pounding, my chest tightened, suddenly a loud thump came right outside our window from the construction that was happening. It was the last straw. 

My hands shook terribly and I exclaimed, “I’m panicking!”

The Wan jumped off the sofa and got to my corner so quickly, he pulled me off my seat and immediately hugged me. 

“Breathe out slowly, one, two, three. Breathe in, one, two, three.”

He repeated this until my breathing stabilized and my hands shook less. I asked him to lead me to the bedroom as I couldn’t open my eyes due to the throbbing migraine. As I laid in bed, I started crying as I felt so overwhelmed. 

While I was in between sobs, I picked up my phone and called the polyclinic hotline. It was then, I thought of my mental wellness first. 

“I need an urgent session with any available therapist, please. My therapist is not in town.”

I was booked for a session in 4 hours’ time, at a clinic 20 minutes away. 

The Turning Point

“Remove your stressors quickly if you can. It will help you manage better.” 

I had forgotten to put my mental wellness first, above others. From that day, I stopped taking in any new projects and completed whatever I could then. 

I even moved out of our home as the construction outside our flat had no definite date of completion due to complications. 

My Wan Cheerleader

I am grateful that throughout all of my depressive episodes, Wan stayed by my side, trying all ways to pull me out of the black hole. 

This photo is of us before heading to Mamma Mia the musical. Wan mindfully got us tickets hoping it will distract me from my misery. But I remember being quite numb throughout the musical although Mamma Mia the movie is one of my favorites.

Mental Wellness First, Always

December 2023 through January 2024, I stayed with my elder sister temporarily. I was very mindful of my mental wellness. It was the start of our slow living. 

From February, Wan & I spent 4 months in London. It was the break my mental health was yearning for. 

I first seek professional help for my mental wellness in October 2020. I have been seeing my therapist since then. While I have been discharged twice, I seem to always spiral down after each discharge period. 

Now, I know why each time I spiral – I tried to be my “normal workaholic self” – essentially I worked myself to a burnout. 

After the last relapse and removing my stressors, I am determined to live a slow living life. I am more regulated now. I seldom get anxious or panicky. Life has been much sweeter. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Get Professional Help

If you, or someone you know may be going through burnout or what you think may be a sign of depression, please seek professional help. Talking to your closest friends may help, but talking to a professional is the best. 

Put your mental wellness first, above others. 

A professional who doesn’t know you, cannot be biased. They are able to provide you tools to help you get through your daily struggles. 

In Singapore, you do have the option to see polyclinic doctors. Tell them your mental wellness is not healthy and you need help. Get a same-day appointment by checking the HealthHub at 7.30am or you can try the night before from 10pm. You also have the option to call their hotline. 

You may find here the lists of National Healthcare Group Polyclinics and National University Polyclinics with psychology services.

If you are unsure, you can always DM me through Instagram. I’ll try my best to help you within my capacity that I can afford to.